WANTED: The New Age "Page"

I was faced with quite the dilemma earlier today. I had two books I was absolutely dying to get to, but my stomach demanded that I feed it. So I heated my lunch up in the microwave, grabbed a fork, poured my milk, then sunk down into a chair in my family room.

It was then that I realized... how am I gonna hold my book? I have my Tupperware in my lap, and a fork in one hand. My drink is on the ottoman in front of me, and I really can't risk haphazardly balancing a book while decimating my food--one book isn't even mine, the other is brand new.

And that's when I realized why Americans always zone into TV. Because we love to eat and who can read a book while eating??? Sure, we can sit at the table like civilized human beings, but who wants to do that during the pinnacle of laziness?

So then I became angry.... Why should those dough-brained TV watchers be allowed to do what they want to do, and I have to suffer through my meal without my book? This is absurd! A woman deserves chivalry at a time like this!

So then I imagined someone holding my book for me, turning its pages, enabling my need. Who could be so perfect, so unselfish? Who could perform this task, who could redeem me from my crisis?

It was then that the image materialized before me. The servant wasn't as Medieval as expected, but I knew that haircut, he was none less than a PAGE. (Title and duty self evident.)


But there were difficulties...

1) I wasn't fully dressed (!!!)
But I was enjoying that comfort so perhaps my help could be blind. :)

2) I didn't want to feel like I had to talk to the guy. After all, this is my "quiet time," the time I enter my cave of unreality, the time my children sleep or entertain themselves.

3) I didn't know how my husband would ever agree to hiring someone just so that they might turn the pages of my book and allow me to continue reading those few minutes while I--rather unbecomingly--scarfed down my entire lunch.
Money ill-spent! I could hear the unreasonable criticism already.

My solution?
To submit my ad in secret. Don't tell my husband.
But I'm seeking new help!
Spread the word:

WANTED: New Age "Page." Blindness and muteness preferred. Salary negotiable. Hours on demand. Trade hair cut.... required.